Afterthoughts

By Cynatnite

 

 

 

The first thing I remember is waking up.I donít remember getting shot, I donít remember any pain and I donít remember anything other than just waking up and looking at Hutch.I heard him talking and then I remembered I needed to open my eyes.Just had to see him.

 

But when I saw him, he had this surprised look on his face and suddenly it was like ten years just fell away.He looked like that kid rookie I met back in the academy minus the peach fuzz.Damn, he looked beautiful.

 

I couldnít feel much, and as bad as I wanted to hug the blond lug, just seeing him like that was the best thing I ever saw since I can remember.

 

After that whole business with Gunther got settled, we had this little party in my hospital room.It was great.It was like the old days when Hutch would just show up at my place with my favorite food in tow and a big grin on his face.Nothing could go wrong.

 

If there was ever a perfect moment in life, that day was it.Except for the fact Huggy decided to hang the lantern from the sprinkler, soaking us all.Well, then the nurses all charged in like firemen to the rescue and proceeded to kick everyone out of the room.Even Hutch.

 

But he came back.Hutch always comes back.If thereís anything I can count on in this world, is that Hutch will always be there.Everyone has come and gone, except for Hutch.

 

He looked like this kid that got his hand smacked for sticking it in a cookie jar and he knew damn good and well, he shouldnít have done it.He was asking if I was okay and if I needed an extra blanket trying to make sure everything was just as it was supposed to be.

 

Hutch was nervous.He always tries to hide how jumpy he feels and the more he tries, the more he looks like heíd do one of his infamous slapstick clumsy moves any second.Hutch just stood there in the middle of the room stammering like he couldnít think of anything better to say.

 

I just couldnít take it anymore.

 

I pulled the sheet aside and patted a spot next to me on my bed.ďCome here, Hutch.Ē

 

I could tell he was reluctant, but I knew one sure fire way to get Hutch to do what I wanted.I gave him the grin I always give him when I want something he doesnít think I should have.It works every time.Trust me.

 

He shuffles over and slowly slides in to the bed with me.It was nice having him so close.God, I missed that.I missed that close feeling you get with someone after being around them for so long.It felt so right and I knew I wasnít going to let him go again.No way.

 

I put my arm around him and pulled him close.When I did that, he just suddenly relaxed and laid his head on my shoulder.Hutch suddenly let a deep breath escape him.It was like he had been holding that breath his entire life and letting it go, just let all the bad feelings inside of him go.

 

I wanted Hutch to know I was alive and I wasnít going anywhere.I wanted to know he was alive, too.I knew if he was alive, then so was I.

 

There he was with his head against my shoulder and his eyes closed, looking so peaceful and goddamn beautiful.It just took my breath away.I ran my fingers through that golden hair of his and it hit me.

 

I missed this part of us.I was getting it back and now I didnít want to let it go.We were practically everything to each other before and it seemed like over the last year me and Hutch drifted apart.We just werenít the same.The job can do that, I guess.

 

Now here he was right next to me so close.I remember leaning my head in and just smelling Hutch.I inhaled his scent inside of me so deeply I could feel it all the way down to my toes.I wanted to familiarize myself with it again and I wanted it inside of me.It was like having Hutch inside of me.

 

He smelled like the earth.My Aunt Rose loves to garden, as does Hutch.When I was a kid I would mow the lawn while she worked in the garden in the back yard.In the mornings there was the smell of freshly cut grass mixed in with the honeysuckle that grew on the back fence.

 

Hutch smells like the early morning sun.I know it sounds weird, but thatís just how I think of him.

 

Thatís what Iím smelling and seeing looking down at Hutch.Damn, heís just gorgeous.I could never stop looking at him.Even though the years have been a little rough on him, heís still got that peaceful look on his face like there was no other place on earth he wanted to be.

 

I did it.Hutch was pulling me inside of him and I wanted him to.It felt so natural and right to kiss him.I felt like I was kissing a butterfly and I wanted him to feel what I was feeling.

 

Hutch was surprised but he just relaxed and opened up to me.I never wanted it to stop and I never wanted this feeling to go away.I was flying and I think I was making him fly by the way his hand touched my face.

 

He tasted like sweet champagne and feeling him so close to me made me not want to stop, but I know Hutch was still worried about me.He pulled back and our eyes met.

 

We looked at each other and we didnít have to say a word.Both of us knew.We knew where we belonged and where we wanted to be.No matter what happened from this moment on, me and Hutch would always be.

 

That was five years ago. Iím not sure if Hutch keeps track of how long itís been like I do.Iím a real sucker for that stuff.I always spout off about hating mushy scenes, but Hutch knows that Iím just a romantic at heart.

 

Thatís when I say we started.I wasnít just me anymore.It was going to be Ken Hutchinson and David Starsky for the rest of our lives.Hutch may think it started two months after I got out of the hospital.

 

Thatís because my recovery took so long and I spent all my time just getting better.Hutch practically moved in with me making sure I was taking all my meds, going to all my physical therapy appointments and every other appointment there was.Plus, he made a few extra ones with a dietician and a yoga instructor.

 

I didnít mind.I didnít like it either.Doctors and appointments were ruling my whole life.Not a single day went by without reminding me of how close I came to biting the big one.

 

In the mornings, Hutch would remind me of all the things I needed to do and heíd leave a two page list making sure I didnít forget.When he came home, heíd go over that list making sure I didnít forget to do anything.

 

If he came home and saw the bed made or the kitchen clean, heíd go off like a tyrant.Okay, maybe thatís a little strong.But what made it so bad is when I wanted to do more, Hutch reminded me that I wasnít what I was.To an extent, he was right.But, damn it, I wanted to start reclaiming my life.

 

I was starting to feel like a helpless little kid and I resented the way Hutch was treating me.Iím sure he thought Iíd break into a million pieces if I did anything more than what he deemed appropriate.

 

The whole thing was really getting to the both of us.Hutch and me started arguing again.It wasnít just a once or twice kind of thing.It was two and three times a week now and always over stupid shit like me being fifteen minutes late for an appointment or getting the dirty laundry together.

 

What was happening was what I swore wouldnít happen to us ever again.When I looked at Hutch, I saw the Hutch before I got shot.He was like the cop that was on the verge of burnout.Between taking care of me and doing his job, Hutch just wasnít taking care of himself.It scared me.

 

So I did the only thing I could do and I knew Hutch would be pissed as hell for me doing it.Well, it wouldnít be the first time.I called Dobey and got Hutch some much needed time off.

 

He came home and I stood like Hutch would stand if he was determined to get his own way no matter what the rest of the world said.When I told him, I waited for the explosion.

 

It never came.Sometimes I expect Hutch to act a certain way and then he surprises me by doing the complete opposite, which he did in this case.Hutch walked over to me and he put his hand on my shoulder.He then moved it up to my neck and rubbed it.

 

Hutchís eyes met mine and I knew we didnít have to say another word.We both knew.We knew what was happening to us and he didnít want to lose it again.Hutch just pulled me close and I held onto him hoping heíd never let go.

 

Instead of me, it was him this time.Hutch kissed me.He was tasting me and loving me with every part of himself.Hutch is like that.He never holds anything back and that moment was the same way.

 

Hutch pulled away and he ran his hand up into my hair which I love, by the way.He gives me a beautiful smile and tells me that he loves me.Damn, I almost started balling right there.Another perfect moment and Hutch made it all possible.

 

We sat down that night and came to some serious decisions on what we were to each other and what we were going to be from that moment on.We both knew what we wanted.We wanted it all.

 

Hutch and me both knew that some people wouldnít understand and weíd have to keep it quiet because of our jobs.I was okay with that for the short term, but we also knew at some point neither of us could live in secret like that for very long.

 

Then we came to the biggie.Pardon the pun, but sex was something we needed to talk about.We wanted to have sex, but doing it with each other was something neither of us had any experience with.Women were easy.The practice weíd both had is one for the record books, but another guy...

 

Hutch mustíve seen how uncomfortable I was feeling.He pulled me close and told me that weíd take our time and work at our own pace.Fine with me.I just wanted Hutch close to me.

 

After that night, our whole relationship took a whole different turn.Thatís why I think heíd count that as an anniversary and I guess in a way heís right.

 

We slept together every night after that.It was great.Hutch was next to me and I was next to him.It felt as right as with everything does when it comes to Hutch.If he wasnít there, I felt like only half of me was there.The other half was with Hutch.

 

Sometimes when I was doing my exercises, Iíd think about Hutch.Iíd wonder what he was doing or thinking at that very moment.I hoped he was thinking about me like I was thinking about him.Sometimes when I was thinking about him like that, the phone would ring and heíd be on the other end.I know I was grinning like an idiot as he asked me how I was doing and heíd tell me about his day.

 

When I was back as close to my old self as I would ever get, I was ready to go before the review board.Hutch was confident and it showed on his face.He thought theyíd be crazy not to let me come back to work.I wasnít so sure.I just let Hutch carry enough optimism for the both of us.

 

I was relieved when they said I was fit for duty and Hutch was like a kid on Christmas.Itís funny, you know.Hutch always says Iím the kid, but there are times when heís the same exact way for different things.Thatís a look Iíd give my right arm for.I love Hutch so much more when heís like that.

 

So now weíve got a problem.Most people would look at this and wonder where the problem is.

 

Me and Hutch worked the worst streets this city has to offer.After so long, itíll get to any normal person.Itís played havoc with our personal lives and our relationship with each other.Weíve seen more and done more than most cops do in an entire career.

 

These streets have come close to killing us more times than I care to remember and itís taken a toll on the people around us.I came so close to losing my life and I donít even let myself think about what would have happened to Hutch if I didnít make it.It hurts too much.

 

When we got home, I told Hutch that I wanted off the street.I didnít want to go back.He didnít seem too surprised by it but he asked what I was going to do.I wanted to go to the academy as an instructor or something.

 

Hutch laughed and said the last thing he expected was me to be a teacher.No, thatís not what I want to do.At least not in the traditional sense.I want to teach cadets how to survive on the street.Show them how to handle a gun and deal with any violence that might come their way.I figure my years on the street could mean saving someoneís life without me facing death at every turn like I did before.Showing a rookie how to handle himself or herself could save lives, and Hutch really understood that.

 

Then I really surprised Hutch.I said maybe him getting off the street ainít such a bad idea.It surprised him, because heíd been thinking about it himself, but didnít want to say anything because of me.Hutch is a cop and he couldnít see himself doing anything but that.He also didnít think heíd have the patience to deal with a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears rookies.

 

Getting promoted would get him off the street, and heíd deal with veteran cops whoíve been around the block a few times.I told Hutch taking the lieutenantís exam would solve that problem.

 

We looked at each other and both knew this was right for us.We needed to move on with our lives and keeping the cop part which brought us together in the first place was where we wanted to be.We were more than ready to take the next step into a new phase of our lives together.

 

Rather than just take a bunch of little steps over a long period of time, we just did it all inside of six months.I got the job I wanted at the academy, Hutch got his promotion, and we bought a house together.

 

It worked.We could live our life together the way we wanted without having to worry about IA breathing down our necks and still stay cops.The hours got a little more normal which was a real nice change, too.

 

Before, Hutch and I lived by the seat of our pants.We never knew where we were gonna wind up eating our next meal or if we were gonna make the date we had planned with some girl.We just took each day as it came, never knowing what was going to happen from one day to the next or if one of us were going to eat a bullet in the line of duty.

 

Thereís something to be said for having a normal routine.In the mornings we got up, Hutch would go for his run and Iíd take another few shuteyes knowing Iíd have to get up as soon as he got back.Weíd get ready, talk about what weíve got going on that day and take our separate cars to work.I almost always got home before Hutch, so I cleaned the place up and started dinner.We can actually agree on what to cook for dinner now.A little of me mixed in with a little of Hutch.

 

Weíd talk about the day we had, make plans if needed and do some piddling around the house.At night, Iíd watch TV while Hutch read.Weíd go to bed after the late night news and start it all over the next day.

 

Hutch and me became real homebodies.The routine was safe and it worked real good in our comfort zone.I could live the rest of my life with that routine because I knew Hutch would be there.I can count on Hutch being there when I wake up in the morning which was great.This new normalcy meshed well with us and we liked it.

 

Sometimes, I get to feeling a little antsy.Like everythingís too predictable.I donít mind the routine, but once in while, I want something to break up all the monotony.But Hutch settled into it like a comfortable pair of shoes he never wants to give up.

 

Now, Hutch and me rarely argue.Iím talking about a real argument when weíre pissed at each other.Weíll do those other arguments and the whole time we both know itís not serious.But once in a while, weíll have a full blown fight.Whatís nice is that the making up part is just fucking fantastic.

 

There was this trip I wanted to take up north to Monterey.Itís got a bay aquarium and a ton of other things to do.Hutch said itíd take too long to drive and heís busy with some case to take that much time away from work.He suggested San Diego for a day instead.Iíve been to San Diego enough and did all the works there.I wanted something different.

 

Next thing I know, Iím yelling at Hutch about how he doesnít want to take the time off and heís yelling at me that I should be more understanding of the demands of his job.It was an awful fight and we said some nasty things to each other.

 

Weíve been living together for over two years and by that time the normalcy was driving me nuts.When I told him this, the fight just escalated.Then we were bringing up shit that happened months and years ago.For some reason, some people start thinking of the little things that gets on their nerves, but doesnít really matter.Like the toothpaste thing.We were squabbling over stupid shit and before you know it, weíre in bed with our backs to each other.

 

I could tell Hutch was laying there as stiff as a board and Iím not talking about sex.For some reason, I just couldnít get comfortable.The covers were bunching up and the pillow was feeling lumpy.When I tried to get comfortable, Hutch sternly told me to be still and go to sleep.I started bitching about the awful bed Hutch wanted when we bought the house.It was always too firm.

 

Then it started again.He told me there was another bed in the guest room if I was so uncomfortable.I was going to do it and when I grabbed my pillow, Hutch rolled to his back and looked at me.

 

It was in his eyes.He didnít want me to and I didnít want to either.I got back into bed and told Hutch I wanted us to take the trip because I thought we needed to get away for a little while.I wanted a change of scenery for a couple of days.

 

He agreed, but said that itís got to be planned a little more ahead of time than this weekend.So, we spent that night talking about how to handle things from here on out.Hutch made a point of telling me that I shouldnít let things like this build up and he was right.He relented when I told him that he works too hard and he needs to try and cut back on his hours.

 

We both realized that with the routine of our lives, we let our relationship become routine.Me and Hutch werenít taking care of it like we told each other we would.We promised each other that we would put our relationship first.It would have to come ahead of everything else.

 

If we didnít, the rest of our lives would show it.We canít be our best if the best part of us isnít what it should be.

 

Now, if I said everything was as right as rain after that, Iíd be lying.Every once in a blue moon, me and Hutch argue, but the longer weíre together, the harder it is to stay mad at each other for very long.

 

In the five years weíve been together, thereís been a few rough spots.I take it as a normal part of living.But when I look back at it all, one thing happened that amazes me to this day.

 

Just when I didnít think it was possible to love anybody more, I get surprised.Even now with everything weíve been through, I realize that I love Hutch more than the day before.I could never figure out how that was possible, but it is.

 

Thereís no guarantees on anything in this life.None at all.Tomorrow, I could get hit by a car.The only thing I can count on is right now.Right now, I love Hutch and he loves me.

 

 

 

 

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